


don't worry

by daikiss (rubanrose)



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubanrose/pseuds/daikiss
Summary: chinen believes he doesn't deserve someone as amazing as yamada





	

“Are you su-”

“I’m okay” Yamada would cut him and it was the same everyday, whenever Chinen worried.

Chinen didn’t believe it. Hell, even Yamada himself didn’t believe it, but it was not something any of them had control over.

They were both broken in different ways. It was a mystery how two individuals with such deep scars could make whatever they had work, yet none of them could imagine their lives without the other.

Chinen cried sometimes, when Yamada was passed out on their bed after he didn’t sleep for days. He cried because he was scared. He wished he had been better, he wished he had been good enough so that Yamada didn’t have to do it all by himself. If he had been better looking, taller, a better singer or a better dancer maybe Yamada wouldn’t have had to be the center, to hold the success of the group between his hands.

Chinen hated himself for it. He couldn’t stand it, when Yamada came home and he could barely make sentences, when he didn’t have the energy to eat or even talk. His hands sometimes shook when he unbuttoned his coat, his feet getting tangled together when he walked, but he would repeat that he was fine.

Sometimes he came home when Chinen was already sleeping, and he left before he even woke up, the only trace of his presence an empty glass in the sink or a post-it note on the bedside table telling Chinen he loved him.

He didn’t even eat breakfast but always found the time to notice Chinen of his presence. He was wonderful and Chinen didn’t understand how in the world he could be loved by him.

There was nothing in the world better than when Yamada was happy, and Chinen always tried his best. He cleaned and cooked and listened to his every word but in the end it always felt like Yamada took care of him. Sometimes Chinen wake up while Yamada was pulling up the blanket over him so he wasn’t cold. Yamada was always the one to tell Chinen he loved him even when he didn’t deserve it. He was full of affection and little attentions and he wasn’t even trying, it came naturally, just because he was that way, and Chinen didn’t know how to give it back to him. He was trying to support Yamada as well as he could but in the end he got lonely and bored, and doubted everything, because he was human after all.

Everyone loved Yamada, and he never had time for all of his friends. Chinen barely had any friends, mostly people who didn’t dislike him. There was no one in his life that was important other than his boyfriend, and the days without him were long, the nights even longer.

Sometimes he went out with Arioka. He wasn’t the older boy’s first choice of company, but they had gone through enough things together to enjoy spending their free time with each other without it feeling like wasted time.

Arioka didn’t give advice as well as Yamada did, but he listened well and always tried to understand and when Chinen didn’t feel like talking they’d go clubbing, drinking, dancing until it was early in the morning and Chinen’s frustration was all gone.

Yamada didn’t know, because Chinen always went out when he wasn’t coming home, busy with filming or out of town for whatever schedule he had. It felt good to go out, to not be waiting for Yamada at home, to have his mind rest from his endless flow of worries. In the end he still wished he was at home with Yamada on one of his good nights, when he was fully awake and in shape, not wincing at every move he made, hungry enough to eat a full meal and in good mood enough to watch a movie. It happened so rarely that Chinen forgot what it even felt like to have all of Yamada, not just his tired, broken self, but his real self, happy and caring and without a worry.

One night he came out of the club early, unable to let go as if something was holding him back and when he checked his phone in the taxi home to find 5 missed calls from Yamada, he assumed something was wrong.

**From: Yamada Ryosuke**

**1:30AM: where are you chii?**

**1:45AM: are you okay?**

**2:03AM: chinen, where are you? it’s late and i’m worried**

The messages immediately calmed him down, as his mind had been ruining wild with possibilities. He smiled to his phone, hoping Yamada was in a good mood and that they could cuddle to bed, the prospect of sleeping against him instead of alone in their bed enough to make his heart race.

**To: Yamada Ryosuke**

**2:22AM: I’m almost home**

He paid the taxi fare, quickly running to the 5th floor, drinking the remaining water in the bottle he bought before leaving the club. He hadn’t drank much, he never did, but he wanted to be as sober as possible for Yamada.

When he entered the apartment Yamada was almost immediately in his arms, his blonde hair messy as if he had ran his hands through it multiple times, his eyes bright and already wearing his favourite red pajamas.

“I missed you” he said, clinging onto him and Chinen kissed him, playfully pushing him away to take off his coat.

“I missed you too How come you’re here?” asked Chinen. Yamada leant against the wall in the small entryway, his hand still on Chinen’s waist as if he didn’t want to let go, not even for a second.

“Filming got cancelled. I was surprised to find our apartment empty at midnight. Did you have fun?”

Chinen smiled tenderly at Yamada. He didn’t ask where he was, or with who he was, only if he had fun.

“I went clubbing with Daiki. We do that once in a while when you aren’t home” he explained, even if Yamada didn’t ask him to.

Yamada looked tired, but he looked genuinely happy to be home and even though Chinen wanted to tell him to go to bed and rest, he also wanted to be selfish, just for a little longer, and keep him awake.

“Why do you only go out when I’m not home?” asked Yamada, frowning a little. His tone was not accusing, simply curious.

“Because I’d much rather spend time with you. I would spend every second of my day with you if I could” Chinen wanted to say more. He wanted to tell him he loved him more than he loved himself. That he became his only reason to wake up in the morning.

But he couldn’t because that’d be cruel, and it’d be putting even more pressure on Yamada and Chinen would never be able to bring himself to.

Yamada looked at his watch, and with a smile he said: “I would gladly give you every second of every day if I could, but right now all I can give you is the next 12 hours. I’m all yours.”

There was a silence, and they shared a look.

“I love you” said Chinen seriously, and Yamada seemed to be taken off guard by the look in his eyes. “Don’t ever forget it. That I love you no matter what, whether I see you once a week or everyday, even if you fall asleep as soon as you come home, because your wellbeing is the most important thing to me. Even if I’m bad at showing it. I love you so much.”

Yamada opened his mouth, and he closed it after a few seconds. He ruffled Chinen’s hair softly, leaning forward to place a kiss on his forehead.

“I know, Chinen. I know because you’re always here, and you never complain. You never say anything when I’m not home for days, except when you worry for me. You haven’t demanded anything of me in so long, when I haven’t even been able to take you out on a date for months. I think you underestimate yourself.”

Chinen hid his face in the crook of Yamada’s neck.

“But this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said I’m all yours” he said, and Chinen laughed softly.

“We’re still in the entryway” he realized, and, still laughing, Yamada pulled him inside the apartment.

Soon lips were against lips, and cold hands were on warm skin, and Yamada’s sleep was the least of Chinen’s worry for a few hours because he could be selfish, once in a while.


End file.
